So you go to your attorney....

And you say: "I want to sue mean people on the internet."

Attorney responds: "Where are people being mean to you on the internet?"

Says you: "On the Scam Girl Blog and Facebook."

Attorney looks at the blog and facebook for five or ten minutes, says: "Is any of this true? You have to tell me if it's true or not, because I don't want to look like a doof in depositions, and my filing suit opens you to countersuit. How did this situation begin?"

Says you: "It doesn't matter if it's true, or what I did wrong. People are mean to me on the internet."

You leave the office, and attorney promptly initiates a conference call with several of his friends in your town, and they guffaw about the idiot who just left his office, who wants to sue mean people on the internet.

Unfazed, you go to the police department.

Says you: "I want to press charges against people stalking me on the internet."

Investigator says: "Did you initiate contact, or did they?"

Says you: "Oh, there's been no contact. They haven't contacted me. But they were mean to me."

Says investigator: "You can't press internet stalking charges against someone if they've made no contact with you or your family members. So tell me what happened?"

Uh oh.  This one's a dilemma. Do you tell the investigator what happened, from the beginning, or do you lie, hoping that the truth won't come out?  You decide for once to tell the truth - at least pieces of it.

Says investigator, after reading your statement: "So you're saying you pretended to be a rock star, surfer, and judge on the net, and people found out and blogged that you're none of these? Sorry, but that's not stalking."

Says you: "But I have their IPs, from when they visited my forum that I invited them to join!"

Investigator: "You invited them? Are you serious?"

Says you: "Yeah, and I give updates on my twitter of where my new forums are, when my old ones are shut down for TOS violations."

Investigator: "Um, lady, maybe I can arrange for some help for you with the local mental health center."

Dejected, you leave the PD.  After you're out of earshot, the investigator calls in several of his fellow officers, and says, "You're never going to believe what she just wanted...."